An open letter to gym members everywhere

My husband and I joined our local gym back in March. I was really dedicated for a while, then life got in the way. I’ve tried to improve my habits lately, but am still nowhere near as good as I should be. But I digress.

I’m not one of those people who spends a fortune on cute little workout outfits. I wish I could, but I feel that my money is better spent elsewhere. Like on bills. And food. (Hence the reason I should go to the gym more often.) And the gym is filled with cute little Barbie girls in those coordinating Danskin duds, but that’s not what this is about. This is about the others…that need to buy a mirror.

First of all, if you’re severely overweight, more power to you for working out. But please make sure that your t-shirt covers your entire stomach. Nobody wants to see the spare tire peeking out from under your top.

Please, do not wear shiny spandex shorts. Ever. This applies to men and women, but especially men. There is a guy at my gym that insists on wearing said shiny shorts, and one of those ridiculous tank tops with the huge arm holes and very low-cut neck. I don’t want to see your junk, and I don’t want to see your chest hair.

I realize that you may not have worked out since the late ’80s. If this is the case, I’m happy that you’re giving exercise another shot. But maybe, just this once, you should buy one new outfit. Scrunchies in your permed hair, slouchy socks and your high-top Reeboks haven’t been in style since Olivia Newton-John got “Physical.” Leave your fanny pack at home, too.

If you are over 40, please don’t come to class in nothing but a sports bra. Put on a shirt, for the sake of everyone else’s eyes.

I’m a reader, through and through. But I read somewhere that if you can read a book while you’re on a treadmill, you aren’t working hard enough. Leave the latest Danielle Steel at home, just for a little while. I promise, the characters will be waiting for you when you get back. They aren’t going anywhere.

The gym is not for your private make-out session. There is one couple in particular (she texts during class) that I have in mind. I firmly believe that he only comes to the gym to see what she’s up to. He walks the track at a snail’s pace while she’s in group fitness, occasionally stopping to take a sip from her QT cup. Really? There are water fountains all over the place. When they aren’t texting, or arguing over who has been checking her out, they’re hanging all over each other like a sweaty jock strap. Get a room.

LEAVE YOUR CELL PHONE AT HOME. Yeah, I’m yelling. This is my biggest pet peeve. Don’t stop what you’re doing in the middle of a class so you can text your friend. I don’t care if you’re telling her how hard it is, or if you’re telling your boyfriend how hot and sweaty you are. It’s rude, and it’s distracting.

In addition, don’t walk on the treadmill, ride the stationary bike, or whatever it is you do on an elliptical, while talking on your cell phone. Again, it’s rude. And you look completely ridiculous. Leave that shit in the car. Just like Danielle Steel’s leading lady, she’ll be waiting right where you left her.

I wish the gym had these rules posted for all to see. No cell phones, no tacky attire, and no making out. Oh, yeah, and no fanny packs.


3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Alice H
    Sep 29, 2010 @ 20:17:00

    I hate freaking Barbie bitches! Can I cuss on your blog? I hope that is ok.
    Sorry about letting my tires air out!!
    Dos that man usually have a headband on too? LOL! I think I know who you might be talking about. Not actually know, know. But I have seen them too!
    80’s questions…instructor, right?

    And sorry, but I admit I am a cell phone user. But I go off to the side to check it. But I have kids at home and sometimes I like to make sure the house is not burned to the ground and that they are still alive. So please stop yelling at me 😉


    • smashedgirlfriday
      Sep 29, 2010 @ 20:39:31

      I know the instructor you’re thinking of, but I’m actually talking about a couple that I’ve seen. Honestly, both of them looked like they were stuck way back a couple of decades ago. LOL I forgot to even talk about the chick that dresses like Richard Simmons! And of course you can cuss…I do!


  2. Meg
    Oct 04, 2010 @ 19:37:40

    But the fanny pack is full with my cell phone charger, extra scrunchies and my book! I can’t leave it behind.


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