Vitamins and Vagina Farts

Tick-tock, tick-tock. Tomorrow marks 19 weeks into our fun pregnancy adventure, and Monday is G-Day. As in, Gender Day. We hope. I’ll down a liter of Diet Dr. Pepper on the way to the office…anything to make our little “Herm” show us the goods. Part of this is because I’m impatient, part of it is because I’m tired of calling it “Herm” and part of it is because I really want to start buying stuff for the empty bedroom.

Things still don’t seem quite real, although the visible baby bump should be like a flashing neon sign to me. But I’m doing my best to come to terms with all of the changes; I’ve been diligent about taking my vitamins, which I could never remember to do before, I’m drinking tons of water, and I’m actually reading all of these baby books. (But like my friend Meg suggested, I’m taking it all with a grain of salt.)

If you’re unfamiliar with the beautiful pregnant body (snort), you may not know that the bump just kind of appears. It really does. I started the plunge into maternity clothes at 12 weeks. The bump wasn’t really there, but things were getting a big snug. And I was desperate for new bras, because I was starting to feel like Pamela Anderson. Luckily for me, these beginning stages are falling during the summer, so I get to live in my favorite outfit of short knit skirts and wife beater tanks. If you get sick of seeing me in this uniform, too bad. I’m comfortable. (Except for that pesky heat wave that’s going on. But I’m dealing. I just keep telling myself, at least I’m not due now, because that would be MISERABLE.) The frustrating thing is that there is no point in buying a huge maternity wardrobe, so my choices are limited. And I hate staring at my closet every morning that is bulging with clothes that DON’T FIT. I just hope they fit again someday.

I had no idea how many pills a pregnant gal should take. I have prenatal vitamins from my doctor, which I learned the hard way to take at night, because otherwise I’d fall asleep at my desk. I have been taking fiber pills (AWESOME..I’m like an 80-year-old), multi-vitamins and now, Zantac. I’ve tried to be a good person before and take multivitamins, but I was just bad at it. Then my best friend told me about gummy vitamins. Yeah, gummy vitamins. They make them for adults, so I don’t want to hear it. These things are awesome! They taste like gummy bears. Not the kind I like (which is exclusively Haribo) but they are pretty decent. I like the Target brand. Well, I recently read that I need to make sure my pills have iron in them. Guess what? Mine didn’t. So I hunted high and low at Target yesterday, reading a million labels, and you know what? The only pills I could find that contained iron were Flintstones vitamins. Yee-haw! Again, I bought the Target brand. I took one last night, and it sent me reeling back to childhood memories of watching “You Can’t Do That on Television” on Nickelodeon and eating Flintstones vitamins with my friend Amberlie. Good stuff.

Now, about these books. I’ve got all of the big ones that your friends will tell you about, thanks to Amazon, my local library, and my recently mommified pal, Kristy. I started with the big one, “What to Expect When You’re Expecting.” I bought it on my Kindle, and I read tons of reviews that said it was terrible. But I really felt like I was starting off on the wrong foot if I didn’t read it. Here’s the issue I have with it: it’s set up as a weekly blow-by-blow, so I don’t want to get ahead of myself. And since it’s on my Kindle, I can’t tell if it runs through the weeks and THEN gives you tons of info, or not. So I haven’t been as diligent about it as I could be.

Next on my list was Jenny McCarthy’s “Belly Laughs.” I kind of goofed on this, because I reserved it at the library. (Yes, I’m a library nerd. I blame my father.) I waited impatiently for it to come in, and rushed in to pick it up as soon as I got the call. I started reading the first chapter about exploding vaginas and thought, “Huh?” A longer look at the front cover revealed that I had “Baby Laughs”, which is the sequel. I honestly didn’t realize that Miss Singled Out was capable of writing two books. So I read them in the wrong order. They were entertaining, although the illustrations really freaked me out. As in, they were awful. And creepy. So don’t look at the drawings. They were spooky in a Shel Silverstein kind of way. I did learn a little bit of info, but the item that sticks with me the most is the knowledge that my baby will be able to poop and have it end up on the back of its head. And neck. And everywhere in between.

As terrible and negative as the reviews are, the tome I’m enjoying the most is the “Girlfriend’s Guide to Pregnancy”. It’s real, and it’s honest, and it walks you through the entire process in order. It’s teaching me what not to look forward to, like “vagina farts” and “pregnancy rhinitis.” But that’s at the very end, so I guess I’ll have time to get used to the idea. It’s a little dated, since it informs the reader to bring a camera and plenty of film to the hospital, which gave me a good laugh. Obviously my edition was written before the advent of facebook.

But they don’t tell you everything. Today I placed a concerned phone call to my best friend, Lezly, and asked her an intimate question about my nipples. Her answer was something called Lanolin. So off hubby and I went to Target (that’s kind of a theme, isn’t it?) to the baby section. After searching the breastfeeding aisle (which was full of odd contraptions that looked like instruments of torture) and the baby lotion section, I lamented to Justin that I didn’t know where the Lamisil was; maybe they didn’t have it. He said, “Lamisil? Are you sure? That’s from the gross commercial with the cartoon toenail fungus.” A quick text to Lezly confirmed that he was right and I was wrong. I asked the sales associate where the Lanolin was located; she asked what it was for. This led to me acting out the need, charades-style, with lots of nipple gesturing. She found it.

The other adventure of today involved diapers. A friend recently mentioned that I should start buying diapers now, to prevent sticker shock after the birth. Seems like a smart financial move. Now, if you’ve never had kids (like me) and you’ve never changed a diaper (again…this girl), you’ve probably never been in the diaper aisle. Holy Huggies, Batman! There are entirely too many choices. So be forewarned.

On a serious note, while I’m terribly excited about Monday, I’m nervous, too. I know a few women in my life that have been in my shoes, giddy with excitement to discover if it’s time to buy pink or blue, only to face life changing and devastating news on G-Day. To these women, I don’t know how you did it. I can’t imagine that I would be that strong. To love and lose so much in such a short time is beyond the scope of my imagination. And while Justin keeps telling me that everything will be fine, and I can’t think about receiving bad news, I can’t help it. It’s a real, and sometimes necessary, fear.

On that note, I’m signing off. Be prepared for some big news on Monday.


4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Nicole Williams-Dorsey
    Jul 16, 2011 @ 22:24:32

    Ash, I totally enjoyed reading your post. You are gonna be a great mom and realize when the baby comes, all those books were great reading material. They help prepare you, but when you are in the thick of it, trust your mommistincts (motherly instincts).

    Your hubby is right…everything will be fine. As someone who has been on the receiving end of bad news…you just get through it. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. To have loved and have lost so much in such a short period of time, as you put it, has now become one of my biggest joys. McKenna is a daily reminder of heaven and God’s grace.

    Anyway, I can’t wait to hear more and will be praying for you on Monday! HUGS!!


  2. Amanda K
    Jul 17, 2011 @ 04:14:40

    So excited to watch for your news on Monday! The Girlfriend’s Guide to Pregnancy was one of my favorite books.

    Just an fyi, buying diapers is super duper smart! But I wouldn’t open them and put them on a shelf or anything. Lauren was allergic to all the ones we had and we were able to take some of them back as long as they weren’t opened.


  3. Carrie Martin
    Jul 20, 2011 @ 12:59:08

    Ashley, I have heard that cloth diapers prevent the poop all the way up to the head thing. AND they have liners in them that you just drop in the toilet and flush so they aren’t as gross as they sound. AND they don’t smell as bad as disposables because it’s the chemicals that make disposables stink so much. I figure that when my turn comes around I’ll at least give them a go.


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