Facing fears

I’m having a baby. After 29 weeks, it finally sunk in yesterday at the doctor’s office. At the end of my appointment, my doctor said, “Oh, let me give you your pre-admission paperwork for the hospital.” THAT is what it took. Not the weight gain, heartburn, shower planning,  insomnia, chronic peeing….it took a piece of paper with a phone number on it.

Holy crap.

Oddly enough, I haven’t been panicked about what happens after December 11 (or whenever he decides to make his debut). It’s the big show that’s freaking me out.

I’m due in the wintertime. I live 21.6 miles from the hospital. Earlier this year, we all bore witness to “Snowpocalypse.” Put those pieces together and what do you have? Me giving birth in my bathtub during a blizzard. At least my husband is an LPN. And my new neighbor across the street wears scrubs, so either he’s an OB-GYN or a veterinary technician. There’s a small chance he could pitch in and help, too. Of course, I may want to meet him in advance, just in case.

In all reality, I’m sure that I will make it to the hospital with plenty of time to spare. I will most likely be one of those women that makes 18 trips to the hospital while in false labor, just to be sent home again. But it’s better to be safe than sorry, right?

I’m terrified of the pain. My rational side knows that thousands of women give birth every single day. Most of my friends have had babies, and they’ve all lived to tell about it. Quite a few of them even have more than one. And yes, I know the logic: if labor was SO terrible, people would never have multiple children.

Plus, I’m all about drugs. I mean, the legal kind. I know that an epidural will make things more bearable; then again, I also know that the needle that they will use is about seventeen feet long. So I’m really afraid of the procedure that’s going to make the really terrible procedure better. Does anyone else see the irony in this?

Let’s say I make it through the awful needle experiment and I’m ready to deliver. Then I get to face the prospect of (let’s quote Kirstie Alley here!) pushing something the size of a watermelon out of a hole the size of a lemon while surrounded by strangers.

That’s something else that bothers me. I know that over the next several weeks, I’m going to be examined more times than I care to be, and it will be even worse at the hospital. My wonderful husband has attended every doctor’s appointment with me, so I’m not worried about him. I know that a lot of people choose to be surrounded by friends and loved ones, but I just can’t bring myself to be okay with that kind of exposure. I want my doctor, her team, and my husband. Everyone else can just wait outside until my lady bits are covered up again. Is that so wrong? I’m not down with having people watch me while I’m at my worst, and I certainly don’t want a video camera aimed anywhere near me. More power to the people who want that kind of memory, but it’s just not for me. I’m perfectly content with photographs of my newborn son, and with a professional photographer for a mom, those won’t be hard to come by.

I haven’t even wrapped my brain around the possibility of a C-section yet. How many other fears are going to creep into my head over the ensuing weeks?

I just keep telling myself: it will all be worth it. It will all be worth it. It will all be worth it….


4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Amanda K
    Sep 30, 2011 @ 02:23:49

    You poor thing! The “what if’s” will keep you up at night, for sure. Everyone can tell you a million times how it will all be worth it and someday you won’t remember the pain, but until you’ve done it you won’t believe it. (By the way, it is SO worth it and you will forget about that part, I promise.)

    And just so you know, when you’re in labor and in pain, you will not care who is in the room, how big the needle is, or where they have to put it. All you will care about is how quickly they can start giving you the GOOD DRUGS.

    Don’t blame you, though. No cameras were allowed anywhere near my lady parts during my kids’ births and only Tim was in there. Whatever makes you comfortable!

    So excited to meet your little guy!


  2. CJ
    Sep 30, 2011 @ 18:41:28

    Amen sister!!!!! I would have allllll the same fears!!! Regarding the snow….enlist one of your burly-hunter man-I’ve gotta truck the size of Texas-that can climb over a building….to be ‘on call’ for all of December….


  3. Meg (@sleepynewmommy)
    Oct 02, 2011 @ 17:58:01

    #1 If snow is expected around your due date, go stay in a hotel closer to the hospital. Even if you don’t go into labor, it’s a good getaway for you two before the baby gets here. If you do…well then you’re right there. No bathtub babies. I don’t want to see you on a cable show talking about that.

    #2 I remember freaking out about all of those things. But the freakouts will stop when the time actually comes because HOLY SHIT I’M HAVING A BABY will take over. I’m just glad I didn’t know that I would be having a C-section because I would have stressed over it nonstop. And by the time you’re far enough into labor that you get an epidural, that giant needle won’t register — just the act of holding still while they do it.

    #3 I don’t blame you on wanting everyone out. I did that too. It was easier to have complete strangers staring at my business than Shane’s mom staring at it. Kick them out. They’ll understand.

    You’ll be fine. You’ve got this.


  4. Alice H
    Oct 05, 2011 @ 16:24:40

    wasn’t the snowpocalypse in February? If so, take that fear away.
    You will do just fine! Can I come in the room? I want to see a baby being born. Haha! J/K


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